Easter: Rebirth and Joy!

I get to enjoy a delicious Easter brunch with my amazing man. He is my rock. He is my Greg. Today I will celebrate the rebirth of our love and think only of the joy he brings to my life.  

My baby and me after a fabulous Easter Sunday brunch

... wait for it!

It’s a Saturday evening, the day before Easter. I’m at home, watching TV and relaxing after gorging myself at the Chinese buffet. Greg and I decided we’d do three days of buffets before I start my pre-colonoscopy and pre-surgery fasting on Monday. 

My phone rings. I look at the number and my stomach sinks into my knees … again. It’s my workaholic, over achieving colon doc calling me. God bless his heart, but come on dude, spend some time with the wife and kids! It’s Easter weekend for criss-sake! Of course he is calling to say he was reviewing my CT scan results.

“Ugh, what now?” I thought.

He said my liver and kidney had a little spot on them, which is completely normal and expected.

I’m waiting for the “but” …

He didn’t see anything else in my intestines and they looked good.

I know the “but” is coming, just give it to me …

He could see that I had my gallbladder removed.

Duh. Get to the “but” …

But …

I KNEW IT!!

"I see a mass around your right ovary that gives me some concern." he says.

I suddenly go deaf. The world around me is completely silent.

OK, is it really possible I’m being dealt a double dose of cancer?

I snap out of it as the doc says he’s writing instructions to his office so I can get an ultra sound of my ovaries on Monday. He goes on to explain that if it is cancer, I can’t have my ovaries removed at the same time as my colon surgery since it needs to be done by a surgeon that specializes in ovarian cancer surgery. I would need to schedule that for a later date. 

Great. 

The rest of the night I sit here as if the wind was kicked out of me. Unable to clear my brain of all the ‘what ifs’, it becomes increasingly harder to remain positive. 

The Consult with Dr. N

Today is my consultation with the surgeon. My colon doc recommends this guy since he did his wife's colon resection surgery. It seems everyone I run into at the med center has rave reviews on how he did their wife’s, husband’s, sister’s or grandpa’s surgery and how he is so talented and wonderful. Using this guys sounds like a no brainer. 

Greg and my daughter attend my consult. I figure the more people I have listening to what the surgeon says the better. We'll call him Dr. N. 

Dr. N. reviews my report and says I’ll need to get another colonoscopy to ‘tattoo’ the spot where the cancerous polyp was removed. As long as that spot is found and marked, Dr. N. will only need to remove 9” of colon on either side, if not he will remove a much larger section of my intestine. I feel fortunate when I find out Dr. N. is a skilled laparoscopic surgeon; otherwise I’d have an equally long incision from my pubic bone up to the rib cage for this surgery! Dr. N. went on to explain that they would test that section of the colon for cancer and make sure the cancer didn't work it's way through the intestinal walls. Based on the report he was reading, he feels confident that won't be the case.

I left the consultation thinking I can do this. I can get this surgery complete and be done with ‘the C word’. I also left Dr. N's office forgetting to ask for the results of my CT Scan. I panic for a moment, then realize I have multiple doctor appointments over the course of the next few days. If it's important, surely someone will fill me in at some point.

The little voice popped up again and said, “it won’t be good news.”

“Fuck off little voice.” I said. 

Did I pee my pants?

My colon doc wants me to get a CT scan before I meet with the surgeon. It is quite an interesting procedure.

About an hour before the scan I had to drink liquid barium. I believe it coats the intestines for the scanner to see them better.

The machine looks like a giant donut, not a tube like an MRI machine, so I am happy that I won't feel closterfobic. The tech has me lay on a bed that slides in and out of the giant donut as I'm told to hold my breath at certain intervals. Then the tech comes back into the room to inject me with a dye. I feel it rush through my body. She explains that I’ll get a metallic taste in my mouth, I’ll feel heat as it rushes through my veins and then I'll feel a sensation (get this) as if I am urinating my pants! Thank God she explains that to me because that is exactly how it feels!

I left the med center being thankful that I have good insurance. I am also anxious and look forward to getting the results of the CT scan tomorrow. 

Hello? Bad News Here.

Every other weekend my youngest goes to his dad’s house. Alone time with my guy is a commodity, so we always make plans to do something special together. Saturday we plan to visit Travares, the seaplane capitol and Mt. Dora. On Sunday we head to Sarasota for brunch and shopping at the new Trader Joes.

Both days are fun filled, spontaneous and wonderful! 

On Sunday, we ate an amazing breakfast at The Breakfast House. We purely stumbled upon this place by happenstance and it's now our favorite.  

Key West Benedict - lobster, shrimp and crab!

Tropical Pancake - pineapple and coconut!

Next we were off to the Shore Diner on Saint Armands Circle for our favorite, the bacon Bloody Mary!

I just bellied up to the bar and my phone rings. It is my doctor. My heart stops. Why is a doctor calling a patient on Sunday? I soon find out. He asks if anyone called me to discuss my pathology report. I know immediately that this is bad news. My eyes well up as he explains the results of the pathology report and how they want to treat this aggressively given my family history of colon cancer. He said the surgery I will need is rather routine and should get me cancer free in no time. Surgery?!? Damn. 

I hang up the phone and can barely speak. Tears roll down my face. Everything around me becomes surreal. I look at Greg, his face has a look I have never seen before. I could barely form two simple sentences, “I have cancer. I need surgery.” He leans over and holds me like a piece of fragile china. “I’m so scared.” I whisper.

The rest of the day my mind races. How can I possibly tell my children I have cancer? How do I tell anyone I have cancer? I feel like people will never see me the same again.  Will people somehow believe this was my fault? Is it my fault or just real shitty genetics?  

Colonoscopy Numero Uno

Today is my first colonoscopy. It is routine in the sense that I just turned 49 only thirteen days ago and I am quickly approaching the mid-century mark. However, it's not so routine because colon cancer runs rampant in my family. My father and my mother’s brother both died of colon cancer. Because of this my primary care doc is adamant that I get a colonoscopy ASAP. He feels I am already long overdue. So here I am.

I go into this procedure with an open mind. Everyone will tell you the prep is the worst part, but for me it is refreshing to feel ‘light’ around my mid section. Without being overly descriptive, either I’m ‘slow to move’ or everything shoots through me all at once. OK, OK ... TMI, I know!

After the procedure, I am told that the colon doc removed 5 small to medium size polyps. Everyone appears a little surprised at the number of polyps they found yet they all assure me the polyps don't look abnormal to the naked eye. 

This is the part where that annoying little voice in my head says, “Something’s not right.” I hate that voice. I work hard to dismiss any thoughts that are remotely negative. My life is going great! I kick that little voice to the curb and keep living my life … status quo, baby! 

Vision Changes

My vision of my life prior to March 19, 2013: 

- It is definitely on the upswing. 
- I left an abusive marriage and I am finally beginning to dig my way out of two years of financial rubble (thanks to the weight of exorbitant alimony payments). 
- I am creating a peaceful home for my children. 
- I am being challenged at work and given the circumstances, feel I am successfully rising to the occasion. 
- I am a health club member and have been since the summer of 2012. I am happy that I am getting some long over due rehab after my 2011 knee surgery, plus feeling good both physically and mentally. 
- The best part of my life, I am reunited with my high school sweetheart after 23 years! I am finally having the relationship of my dreams.

my luvah

I soon find out that days to follow March 19th will make me feel like I'm an living in a tenuous world. I will become an outsider in my own body. My normal will disappear. My vision will morph into a weak and fragile depiction of a life I never imagined would be mine.