May 31, 2013

How I Found my Garden of Zen


When faced with your own mortality, one starts to look at the world differently. Sure we're all gonna die one day, but when the possibility of dying becomes YOUR reality, it's then, and only then, that we stop and take pause. Sure there are a few of you who have mastered the art of being centered, so much so that you joyously bound trough life, rolling with the punches, knowing that each day is a gift that's why it's called the present. I envy you. Me, I seem to haphazardly tumbled through life, aimlessly tending to whatever is set in front of me, dwelling on the past and worrying about the future. I'm never quite able to unwrap the elusive "present". Sure, I see it sitting there. And I want it bad. But as much as I want it, I tend to get wrapped up in the drama that seems to surround my life. 

I don't fancy myself a drama queen. However some may argue, and you know who you are, that perhaps I create all the drama that surrounds me. To that I say, most definitely not. I know people, again, you know who you are, who love to swirl in a sea of drama. If drama isn't happening they feel the need to create their own. Somehow I seem to attract these people like flies and there in lies the problem. Knowing this about myself, through the years I have slowly started eliminating these drama queens and kings from my life. That was my first step. 

The second step is to start surrounding myself with loving, caring people who have that thing that I want. People who live in the now. Those who choose inner peace over outward materialism. I can no longer tolerate being around those who are driven by money, power and greed. Not that I could ever handle that type of personality, but in the past took the passive approach, I made excuses for that type of behavior and looked the other way, somehow justifying their shallowness. 

Third, I need to practice being the type of person I want to meet. It sounds silly, like I'm inexperienced in how to be me. The truth is we're all a work in progress, that is the beauty of being human. We're all like a clay sculpture that is never quite complete. Our family, our life experiences both past and present, our jobs, and the people we come in contact with everyday, all play a part is molding our clay. 

Part of my studies on how to be come the me I want to be include meditation. You would think that is a simple enough task, however my personality tends to be the opposite of everything that meditation represents. I'm an over thinker, I am A.D.D., I can't sit still, I can't leave things undone, I guess I'm a bit anal retentive. These are not the best traits for someone who wishes to meditate and be in the now. The good news is, I know this about myself so I'm halfway there!

Last year Greg and I took a class on how to meditate. Again, sounds silly that we need a class on how to sit still and clear our minds. I've tried meditation on my own, on and off for years and never could figure out how to shut off my brain. So taking this class was a great way for both of us to learn techniques in silencing our overactive minds. It was an hour a week class for four weeks. Every week when I left meditation class I felt this high. My whole body was like Jello. My mind was at peace. Sadly I couldn't retain that feeling for more than an hour or so after class. Reality is a cold, cruel bitch and she came knocking on my door with a baseball bat, making sure I snapped out of it. I always thought if I could just push myself into meditation for mere 15 minutes a day, I'd become a better person and soon learn to push that bitch, reality, back out the door. 

Now that I've had mortality rattle my cage, I've sharpened my focus on creating zen moments in my life and ultimately finding my bliss. I know it will take baby steps. I also know it will require discipline and practice. Today I've started putting the process into motion by designing a meditative healing garden. During recovery from my colon resection surgery and throughout my first two cycles of chemotherapy, I have found that spending time in my screen porch is very relaxing. Sitting under the ceiling fans, gazing out at the two giant oaks and all the little critters that call them home is quite soothing. However this one corner of the yard, to the left of my porch was a big o' mess of dirt and weeds. I thought it would be great if I could brighten that spot by creating my own healing garden to serve as source of beauty and serenity on my journey to zen. 

And so I did. 

I have to give props to my trusty side kick, Hannah for all her help. 


Garden Ninjas!!!
Got all our materials gathered up!

 


my view from the porch

the finished product
Let the healing begin! 

May 29, 2013

Top Ten Reasons to Shave My Head


As I struggle with my impending hair loss .... I thought I'd make a list to help me see all the positives of being bald. 


10. To quote Pedro, "I realized that it was my hair that was making my head hot. So I went into my kitchen and I shaved it all off."




9. Cuts down cleaning time since there is no hair to sweep up off the bathroom floor. 

8. Cut, color and style $105 every six weeks. That's roughly a $630 savings for the next eight months!

7. Don't need to buy shampoo or conditioner.



6. No more GRAY hair!! (at least for the next 9 months or so)

5. Scalp massages feel better.

4. Fresh air feels good on the head.

3. Easy access for my scalp tattoo.



2. I can pretend I'm Evey from V for Vendetta! 


AND the NUMBER ONE reason to shave my head ...

1. There is not such thing as a bad hair day! 


May 26, 2013

Wigged Out!


Tresses. Locks. Mop. Curls. Coiffure. Birds Nest. Mane. Tendrils. Hair. 

To a woman, hair is fashion statement, a form of self expression. Hair is one of the very the first things you notice when you meet someone. Hair is part of a woman's sex appeal. A good hair day can give a gal an immense amount of confidence and a bad hair day ruins everything. I know you know what I'm talking about, ladies!

So when I ran the comb through my head Saturday morning and was literally able to fill the toilet bowl with my own hair, I went into a state of shock. I just cut my hair a week ago in hopes that when the doctor said "thinning" hair from chromo treatment, it meant just that, thinning. In reality, and according to my chemo nurse, it means I could likely end up with a head full of peach fuzz. Figures that is how a man would describe "thinning". 

I feel vain worrying about my hair at a time when I should be worried about fighting for my life, but I can't help it. My hair has always been a source of discontent, a real life love-hate relationship. In my younger years I despised my frizzy curls. I always wanted Marcia Brady's long, straight, flowing blonde locks. As I grew older and learned styling techniques and started experimenting with color, I started to appreciate my hair. I was always changing from long to short. Red to brown and then back to blonde again. I was even able to achieve Marcia Brady's hair thanks to the invention of Keratin Treatments. Her long, straight, flowing blonde locks were now mine, ALL MINE! 
Noahie & me (and my Marcia Brady locks)

When you're wearing a wig, there is no way to look like you're not wearing a wig. Period. Unless you've got a bank role the rivals Beyonce, that just ain't happening. The harsh reality; wigs are expensive. Even cheap wigs are expensive. Sure some insurance plans will cover up to 80% of the cost for "Cranial Hair Prosthesis" (insurance companies do NOT like the term wig). But there are other factors to consider. Human hair wigs look great and cost a fortune. The upkeep of real hair wigs is just like that of real hair, you need to wash and style frequently, not something most chemo patients are up to doing. Synthetic wigs are less upkeep, still spendy but more attainable. They hold their shape better and look OK. Then one must consider length. I live in Florida. Have you heard about Florida summers? The days average 90 degrees with 90% humidity. Spending any length of time outdoors is like walking through a steam bath fully clothed. The last thing this chemo gal wants on her head is a long, wiggy mane. They may look great indoors until you walk outdoors. Plus, they have no pony tail potential. And did I mention my recent ovarian extraction? Yeah, you guessed it. Long wigs don't work great when one is hot flashing every hour, on the hour. Wigs also come in three lengths, long, medium and short. Sure if I had a few hundred extra laying around I might be inclined to buy a long human hair wig and have it cut to my specifications. However the human hair comes from China, Indonesia, India and Eastern Europe, some of the most impoverished areas on the globe. Although I have no proof, it's hard to believe that those women sacrificing their incredibly long, beautiful hair is truly on the up and up. Can you see that all this has me a bit wigged out? 

Rather than wait until the inevitable happens, I haul my tired ass out of bed and drive to the wig store at my local mall. I would rather spend time shopping around, going to as many stores as I can find, trying on dozens of wigs, but my energy level is just not there. I feel like I need to give in to the first half-decent wig that comes along. And I do. Don't get me wrong, I tried on at least a dozen. Wigs that looked like helmets on my head, wigs that made me look like a Dutch boy, plus a wig with long flowing locks that was hotter than fuck, even in the air conditioned comfort of the store. 

I have my trusty Raquel Welch wig on stand by. I will now spend the next few days living in denial, filling my toilet bowl with hair, morning, noon and night, as I struggle with the idea that maybe, just maybe, I will be one of the lucky ones that only "thins" instead of turning into a big peach fuzz head. In the meantime, I pray to the Gods of Clarity that I can come to terms with yet another stage of my new "normal". 
our cat, Mulder, is not sure what to think about my new wig

Gettin' Wiggy wit it! Eat your heart out, Raquel! 

May 16, 2013

Hair Today - Gone Tomorrow

I've decided to take matters into my own hands and prepare for my inevitable hair loss. Thank God for Erin, my friend and stylist helping me through this process! 




bye bye pony ...

my tresses before .... 

... and after.

May 13, 2013

Cycle 1 ... and I ain't talking Spinning Class

I'm pretty sure I am walking through Dante's Inferno. I'm into week two of my first cycle. Clarity is starting to return to my brain. The fog that covered me the first week is now slowly lifting. It's been a miserable first week. I walked into my first chemo session with less than 3 hours sleep. It seems each of the predicted the side effects are being doled out on an hourly basis throughout the week. My newly restructured colon was none too happy either as I'm for it's displeasure through a barrage of intestinal issues.  

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that during this first cycle of chemo I feel incredibly blessed to be surrounded by people, here and afar, who love and care about me. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't receive a Facebook message, card or a package in the mail offering me support. I must have done something right in this life because so many friends I've known over the years are coming out of the woodwork in droves with offerings of encouragement. It literally melts my heart to know that I have this fortress of love surrounding me. Despite all of that, I still feel so isolated and alone, like I've been banned to Cancer Island. I assume this is part of what cancer does to a person. I am determined not to let my inner turmoil bring me down. It has never been in my nature to sit and flounder in a cesspool of despair, so why start now? I'm a take the bull by the horns gal and I'll be damned if cancer changes that attitude. (This is one of my many me, myself and I pep talks.)

Chemo care pkg from my son's GF in St.Louis
My buddy, Big D, sending me love from GA

Sweets from my BFF in Grand Rapids, Michigan
Awesome homemade pillow case from Donna in MN
Love from my BFF's daughter, Abby, in Denver

Thanks to one of my BFF's since grade school, Kelly, I have a good lead on some support to walk me though the unknowns of cancer treatment. It's a non-profitl group call Imerman Angels. I plow through their web site and I like what I read. I decide I want to get paired with a 'mentor' who has gone through the same cancer, surgery and treatment as me. Even better, I can get paired with someone who has a similar family and lifestyle as me. I eagerly fill out the paperwork, anxiously looking forward to my angel's arrival

It doesn't take more than a day and I get a call from Imerman Angels. The gal on the other end asks me a few more questions in order to find me the best match in their database. And in less then 24 hours later I have and email matching me up with my mentor. 

My angel's name is Lee. She lives just outside of NYC (a city I adore!), she has three kids, married and has gone through the same surgery, cancer and treatment at the age of 45. I'm am continually taken aback at the amount of people I read about dealing with colon cancer in their 30's and 40s. I can go off on a whole diatribe about the additives, hormones, pesticides and poison that seem engulf our very existence, but I'll save that rant for another time.... back to my angel! We have a strictly email correspondence right now, however I have her phone number and at some point talking may be easier than writing. The beauty of Imerman Angels is you decided what you want and need for support and how you wish to communicate. The group is not only set up for those going through cancer treatment, they have mentors to support the caregivers as well! If you have ever been touched by cancer, I highly recommend signing up to be a mentor. I look foreword to the day I can be on the giving end as an angel/mentor to someone in need. 

As the this whole chemo process progresses, I find myself frequently waking at 1 or 2 AM, I can't tell if it's a side effect of the chemo or just my overly active mind that I can never seem to quiet. That is the time the questions arise. Thanks to my iPhone, I can compose my emails to Lee under the covers without waking Greg. As I get through the end of this first cycle, I'm feeling less scared now that I have my angel in tow. 

May 11, 2013

10 Things Cancer Taught Me - by Les Lent

I've ended week one of my first chemo cycle. This is the first time I've logged on to my laptop all week. It's been rough. I'm hoping I'm up for writing a post or two tomorrow. 

In the mean time, my friend sent me a link to her friend, Les' blog. Les recently came out on the other side of cancer, a place I can't get to fast enough! I just had to share Les' post as I believe it will allow others to draw some understanding when it comes to dealing with "chemo heads" such as myself. 

Thank you, Les Lent! 

10 Things Cancer Taught Me

Image
Where I’ve Been
Those of you who read this blog (I know there’s at least a few of you) may have been wondering where I’ve been and why my last post is so terribly old. Well shortly after I wrote it I was diagnosed with a form of cancer—Follicular Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma to be exact. Bad news. Good news—it’s 100% curable. As of this writing I have finished all treatments (chemo and radiation) and I’m now in what we cancer survivors call “survivor-ship”.
When I was initially diagnosed I decided to inform my immediate family and a few close friends. I also told existing clients and a few prospects I had at the time. The reason for doing this was obvious. I had no clue how the course of treatment would impact my ability to travel and work. Being self employed I didn’t see any option other than muscle through it and hope for the best. ‘Hope’ by the way is a great frame of mind but a poor strategy. As one would expect all of my clients were gracious and genuinely supportive. Everyone in my entire network; personal, professional, friends and family offered emotional and physical support.
What I’ve Learned
So now you know the back-story. I’ve learned a number of things about others and myself during the past 12 months—some profound and some a little embarrassing. In no particular order:
1. When people you trust offer to help when you need it you should take it!
2. I don’t have an “S” on my chest. Nobody does.
3. When someone you trust offers advise that sounds solid—it is. You should probably take it.
4. Chemo therapy can make you a little nutty.
5. People’s capacity for forgiveness is truly amazing. See number 4.
6. The line between personal and professional relationships is fuzzy and that’s a good thing.
7. Life is very short and full of surprises both good and bad.  Don’t put important things on the back burner. You don’t know when you’re going to run out of gas.
8. Mental health is just as important as physical health. You need both.
9. Cancer sucks. It impacts everyone and there is no place to hide.
10. Attitude is everything. But you already knew that.
So What’s Next…
Over the course of the next few months I will put out a series of web based training modules and a book. In the mean time I’m recommitted to pushing out content—hopefully valuable content—on this page. Look for a fresh look in the coming months.
On a final note I wish to thank all of the people who have helped me, encouraged me, loved me, picked me up and tolerated me over the past year. I couldn’t have survived without you.
(by Les Lent)

May 4, 2013

The High Price of Healthcare

There isn't much to say, the photo below speaks for itself. I'm shocked and amazed at the price charged vs. the price negotiated by he insurance company. What happens if Joe Blow sick guy doesn't have insurance? Does Joe Blow get socked for the full amount? I'm grateful that I have good insurance ... YIKES!


This is JUST my hospital stay. It does NOT include any doctor or surgery fees! 

May 2, 2013

Spiritual Reflection or Plain Ol' Over Thinking


I may have mentioned that I like to over think things. I’m not sure if that’s an A.D.D. trait or what. On my drive to work I wondered why I got cancer. There must be some deeper meaning in all this.

I was raised Catholic, however I am not a practicing Catholic. I haven’t totally denounced my upbringing, but through the years I have grown to consider myself more of a spiritual person than a religious person when it comes to my beliefs. I don’t believe one religion is better than another. In fact, I tend to embrace aspects from many religions, my own spiritual buffet if you will. I do believe in only one God, that is a given.

I do have this inherent certainty that God does not give us more than we can handle. So for some reason God feels I can handle my cancer and the impending chemotherapy. With that in mind, I wonder why I got cancer in the first place and I’m guessing, everyone who gets cancer thinks the same thing. This brings me to the second part of my belief; I am supposed to learn an important lesson from my cancer journey. I create daily laundry lists in my head of the possible lessons to learn.

In turn I wonder if I manifested this in my own life. Is it the emotional baggage I’ve carried around since childhood? Could it be the stress of a highly charged marriage and an overly demanding career that finally caught up with me? Or is really just the luck of the draw in a genetic poker game?

As you can see, this over thinking is a bitch that  I need to kick to the curb and leave along the roadside to fend for her self. My lesson today? Start meditating and clear these thoughts out of my head.